a Lutheran.
Last Sunday was the first day back sitting in the regular part of service because choir is done for the summer. It was kinda fun though during that time I got a tad bit distracted becuase I knew no one was watching me and I'll have to admit, my mind wandered. My entire life I've grown-up Lutheran (ELCA-Lutheran to be exact). I've adored it for a multitude of reasons such as I'm half Norwegian and half German (which makes up 90% of Lutherans), not to mention it's a base of Minnesota pride. For example, when I walked into my new church in VA and told them I came from MN I understood how celebrities felt. I was adored because I came from the Motherland of Lutheranhood! Beyond the jell-o molds and bake sales I grew to appreciate the denomination for what it stood for (I'm talking post-post-post Reformation!). I find it a pretty welcoming place and, in some places, is willing to take on very controversial social issues instead of ignoring them. I don't believe there is a RIGHT version of Christianity, I believe it is what you find the best way to communicate with the big dude upstairs. And therefore, at least for now, being a Lutheran suites me fine.
But the whole reason why I even brought this little pride factor up (I know, I'm being far from a "modest Lutheran"!) is that I recently read through one of those many lists out there that starts with "You might be a __________ if....." Sadly and humorously I laughed the entire way through.....perhaps because many of them hit home with me.
So here I am, going to share with you (only the ones that are true to me) why I might be a Lutheran if........
...you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.
...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.
...you serve Jell-O as a vegetable.
...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo.
...you can't have a meeting without having a meal.
...you refer to your trip to Minneapolis (or Chicago) as a pilgrimage.
...sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the sermon.
...all of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom.
...you're willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
...you ask for "A Mighty Fortress" on the love song request line.
...you actually understand the folks from Lake Wobegon.
...you consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal.
...you don't question why the seat you sit in at church is called a pew.
...you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city." (WELS=Milwaukee; ELCA=Chicago; ELS=Mankato; etc.)
...at Thanksgiving you serve lutefisk and try to convince your kids it's really a turkey.
...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus."
...you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
...you can't get into heaven without a casserole.
...you notice the Kool Aid stock shot up during the Vacation Bible School season.
...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts.
...you are referred to as the frozen chosen!
...you consider lottery tickets a serious investment.
...you make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your salads with Jell-O.
...you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
...you think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.
...your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true."
...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
..you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
...you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...you think butter is a spice.
...you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
...you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
...you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
Yep, I'm just a tad Lutheran!
